Saturday, 13 August 2011

the morning after the night before ...

this is the outfit i chose to wear last night:
funnily enough, i thought that the dress would be too revealing, haha! it`s knee length AND my shoulders are covered up ... how is it revealing, Amanda?!?!
anyway, i felt pretty in my outfit, and i had such a fun and well-needed night out! 
i rolled in at god-knows what time this morning wearing an Hawaiian floral thing round my neck clutching an empty can of Diet Coke from the obligatory trip to the chippy once we had come out of the bars, haha! 

more seriously, though, it was my first night out since breaking-up with Him … and a few things have been confirmed for me: i am a long way from being `over` this relationship; i am nowhere near ready to even flirt with any other men (i don`t want to, either); and i am petrified that my feelings are the total opposite of His.
basically, while it was nice that men were talking to me, i just didn`t want them to. i wanted to know that when i went home (in the very small hours of the morning!) that i would be tucked up in bed with Him, like normal … but it`s not true anymore. i came home to a cold, empty bed – and if i wasn’t as exhausted from my drunkness, i would have been bawling my eyes out!
i am sooo not ready to give up on hope that one day things might just work out between us again.
but what if all the time apart between us has confirmed his need to be single? what if he actually enjoys going out and being unattached?
my biggest worry is that he falls out of love with me; that he stops fancying me, and that he is indifferent towards me.
right now (or the last time we saw each other) i knew he fancied me, and i know that this whole relationship break-up is out of love rather than lack of … but what if the next time we see each other he is over me, completely?
the mere thought of never being with him again – and going out and always coming home to an empty bed – terrifies me. it`s only been three months since we`ve split up – but i don’t know how to even start realistically preparing life without him, and i`m worried that people will get fed-up of me being miserable soon. (not that i am. if anything i avoid the topic until i`m ready to talk about it. after all, it took us both nearly three months to tell our parents that we`d split up … five years in the same relationship – it`s pretty hard knowing how to act when it`s all over.)
i thought that i was starting to do well. it`s been 2 weeks since i`ve seen Him, and 9 days since i`ve had any communication with him (because he`s on holiday) – and it`s been the longest i`ve ever gone without speaking to him. i haven’t cried until now (since He`s been away, that is. i cry all the bloody time, haha!). but then again, i didn’t realise these feelings until now. i always knew that i still loved him and that i still fancied him and that i still carried hope for us, but that was me being positive – i now know that these are solid feelings that i am finding hard to push aside and plaster a smile on my face.
i needed that night out – but i`m not sure how ready i am to have these feelings cemented, realised … maybe when he gets back off holiday and we meet up i`ll feel differently … i don’t know. but right now, i`m scared by my feelings. but i`m even more scared by his.


Thursday, 11 August 2011

pre-party pamper!!!

it`s been a while since i`ve update, but i haven`t completely given up `blogging` - i`m working on a project which will be added on once its complete ... so hopefully it`ll all turn out well J


meanwhile, i`ve been getting excited about seeing a couple of friends tomorrow!!! Jone is coming up from LDN (where she lives now, which is cool because London is such an amazing city, but is also kinda sucky because we don`t see each other nearly as often ...) and it should be a lovely catch-up over a few bottles of cheap wine, haha! J


in preparation for our night out, i`ve been choosing an outfit (sooo difficult in this crappy English `summertime` weather!) and painting my nails (again, really hard when i don`t know what i`m wearing!) and ... prepping my skin.



i`m not one for doing this usually (i wash my face, obvz!) but i don`t use scrubs because my skin is sooo sensitive. BUT i found this lemon-and-sugar video tutorial via this blog (which is fab, by the way!) and it WORKS so well even on my sensitive little face!!! yay Jright now, my face is UNBELIEVABLY smoooooth (if slathered in thick moisturiser) and i`m so looking forward to seeing how it`ll look in the morning! (hopefully i won`t have had some allergic reaction to lemon or sugar ... i eat both products, after all!)


i`ve also purchase this bubblegum lip-scrub on the recommendation from Karen via this blog J
so far, i`ve yet to see the results because i keep eating the DELICIOUS scrub off rather than let it work its magic ... but tonight, i scrubbed it well and truly, and my lips (smouthered in lip salve afterwards) feel SO SOFT!!! what`s not to love about preening oneself for a night out??? hehe! J



i`ve slathered my hair in some Aussie conditioning treatments, too. i`m used to doing this before bedtime now (it`s been part of my routine for about, oh ... a month - since my hairdresser kept bangin` on about how "dry and damaged" my hair was every time i went in!!! considering the amount of dye its had on it and the sheer useage of electrical appliances on it, i`d say it`s in top-notch condition, haha! but, anyway, i like the routine, and cheap coconut moisturising conditioner goes on my hair before bedtime now Jafterall, i have no one to snuggle up to that`ll moan about it, hehe!) but this is the first time i`ve left the 3 Minute Miracle deep treatment and the Leave-In Take The Heat treatment in overnight ... it won`t make much difference, it`s just that it`s the first time!


these are a few nail arts i`ve been trying to accomplish ... although i did just start practicing tonight - so i definitely need to work on it to perfect it, haha! but i`ve always loved painting my nails, and now the possibilities are endless because i can literally put whatever i want on my nails! ... i`ll have to have a think about what i actually want to put on my nails first, though ... haha!!!

(((apologies for the utterly uselessness of the quality of my BB camera - He has my actually pretty amazing camera on holiday with him ... i must be the best ex-GF there has ever been, ha!)))

can`t wait to let you know how my night out goes Jhoping to get at least ONE compliment when i`m out to make me feel better, haha!

g`night, lovelies xx

Friday, 29 July 2011

the cycle of torment in a relationship break-up

grief
some days are so much harder than the rest.
how do you go from being with someone all day every day to ... not being with them, not seeing them?
it`s supposed to get easier, but it`s just getting worse.
i`ve been trying my hardest to distract myself, to keep myself busy, throwing myself into other tasks ...
- but i just miss Him.
i can`t help it.

anger
i really wish i didn`t feel like this.
because as soon as i feel upset about missing Him, i get angry - because He broke Us up, and He knew everything would be ruined and that nothing could go back to the way it was ... He knew all that yet still did it.
so why should i be bothered when He clearly isn`t?!
everything that we`ve ever said to each other ... everything sounds like a joke, like childish whisperings - when it wasn`t to me. i wanted everything with Him; i wanted to build a life together and start a family together ...
now it`s me who has to change their life around and make other plans - make plans that i am not thrilled about but am forced to make because of Him an His decision that has turned my perfectly content world upside down and made this Summer the worst of my life.
He is not going to find anyone better than me; He`s never going to have a relationship as perfect as our was - and that`s the reason we`re not together anymore! how ironic that he`s gone looking for something when he already had it ...

guilt
... and as soon as i`m done being angry with Him, i feel guilty about getting angry with Him.
it`s not His fault He has these feelings and needed to be by himself and find out things for himself ...
i wouldn`t want to force Him to stay with me and have constant niggling doubts about Us - because then i`d feel dreadful, an it wouldn`t be a relationship.

logic
i`m sure once i`ve figured out how to make myself happy every day and not cry myself to sleep - or worse, numb my pain by not sleeping and watching DVDs til stupid hours in the morning - i`ll be able to gather my emotions more coherently and be logical about everything ... but right now, it`s difficult.

and i`m not sure what`s going to make me happy today.
but something has to.
i have to make myself happy.
no one else is going to; i wouldn`t expect anyone else to, either.
going through all this shit right now feels like the end of the world - like, i would actually rather not be here sometimes - but i know - somewhere at the back of my brain my logic is still there, and it`s going to start shouting pretty loudly soon - that this will be the best experience i`ll ever have: because it`s allowing me to find out who i am as a twenty-three year old young woman, and what makes me happy for me, and what i don`t like / don`t want ...

positivity
i want to be able to forgive Him and be His friend again, but i can`t when i am feeling so raw.
i can`t let go of the pain He`s caused me so easily, so soon.
but what was the point of 5 years together ...???
this all happened for a reason.
i just have to find out what that reason was ...
xx

Friday, 22 July 2011

perfection

the perfect outfit:
i would probably opt for a knee-length/mid-length dress (something to cover my knees – i think they`re horrible, especially when i only see them when i`m looking down at them, but i don`t suppose they`re horrid. in the Winter i`d probably wearing a dress that was a few inches above the knee so long as i was wearing tights. but i`m thinking this dress would be worn in the Spring/Autumn.) with a really pretty pattern on, or a pretty black colour that it separated at the waist with a thin, tan belt. 
i`m not good at wearing heels for long periods of time, but i always think heels make an outfit, and make me feel pretty, so i would wear tan heeled-sandals for a bit, then swap to tan flat-sandals later on. 
i`m not sure where this outfit would be worn; i suppose it could be worn anywhere. i`m quite a relaxed dresser, so i could make this work whether it was a casual or special occasion J 
and it`s a toss-up on the bag-front: clutch, or chained handbag? hmm … chain is classic, but clutches would work if it was an nice occasion. i suppose it would dpend on where i was going! pub: chain. party: clutch. simples J

the perfect meal:
hmm … this is a difficult one because i have such a love/hate relationship with food. i love eating it – any of it! – but I hate how i feel afterwards … that horrible bloated sickly feeling L  i suppose my favourite food would be Mexican: it`s easy to make, fun to eat, and great to share! and you can eat with your fingers and no one thinks you`re incapable of using a knife + fork!
i like to eat Italina food when i go to restaurants (even though it`s been forever since i`ve been on a date L). i find, though, that i eat best in restaurants if I have a carby starter, a salad main, and any dessert – and lots + lots of wine, hehe!!! if i have a carby main i get sooo full up and can`t finish my meal + feel rubbish afterwards. my way equals me being nicely full J
one of my favourite restaurants is Kitchen Stories in Madrid. the chicken ceasar salad was amazing! and the wine was gorgeous! “we do not do large glasses of wine, senorita! this is not England!” haha!
a favourite all-time restaurant of mine is Elude in Liverpool. the food was lovely – i went three years ago, so i`m a little hazy on what it was that i ate, but i remember liking it! – but, more importantly, the restaurant itself was just … amazing. it was empty – which i loved. seriously. i hate crammed places, and it felt like it was open just for us J which is a lovely feeling J
i also really, really, like BarBurrito is Liverpool. simple Mexican food that i can also just take-away + save until a later time, if i wanted to. which i rarely do. because i do not want to wait for Mexican food. obvz.

the perfect hangover cure:
it depends how bad the hangover is. if i was paralytic the night before, chance are i`m not likely to be doing much until the next day. but just a mild headache and the alcohol + sugar still in my system and i`m actually up early + ready to do a hell o a lot more than i am any other day! so … anything that i`ve been putting off, i`d do that day, ha!

the perfect road trip:
hmm … when i think of `road trips`, i automatically think of hiring a Cadillac and driving all around and across America. i assume most people do? major problem: i can`t drive. hypothetically, i would drive a car across America – but probably, for the main part, in one of those huge fancy caravans! it would save money on hotels and motels (although by doing this i realise that i would be missing out on any Psycho-esque motels along the way, but perhaps this would be a good thing!) but i would be able to stock up on food and drink supplies by visiting all the random (and i`m guessing cheap) supermarkets+corner shops. i know that i would be able to see a lot more of the `real` America this way, too. which  would be pretty cool. images of glossy+photo-shopped America and The American Dream are everywhere – and i`d quite like to see the opposite of that.
another amazing road trip that i would love to take one Summer would be across Europe. i cannot express how complete my life would be if i did this. i would use those hop-on/hop-off public transport system that seems to be so accessible to the modern Europe except England! i do believe that it would be entirely possible and extremely easy to make my way around Europe and see pretty much everything that i desire: London, Paris, South of France, Madrid, Barcelona, Valencia, Berlin, Amsterdam, Rotterdam, Rome, Venice, Milan, Turin, Tuscany, Athens, Istanbul …

the perfect facial feature:
eyelashes. i always feel i`m complete once i`ve applied mascara – especially lashings of it! i`m not very good at sticking on false eyelashes and sweeping on liquid eyeliner but i`ll have a go despite the messy+shaking outcome of it all!

the perfect drink:
VLS. Absolut vodka. fresh soda water. a fat wedge of lime, and a limey rim - perfection.

the perfect song:
Breakfast At Tiffany`s is one of those songs that i remember hearing on the radio when i was, like, seven, and remembering the specific but indescribable feeling – and i still get it now whenever i listen to it.
Love Shack is a total feel-good song that puts a smile on my face and reminds me of such an amazing care-free Summer when I was seventeen.
Smoke On The Water will always be the first song that i can recall from my childhood as it was a regular on the vinyl of a Saturday night!
Wannabe is a single that really sticks out for my seven year-old self because the Spice Girls are the girl band who I grew up to.
(Simply Having) A Wonderful Christmas Time by Paul McCartney is definitely my favourite Christmas song! i love them all, pretty much, but the music gives me those `feelings` and instantly transports me back to my childhood and being four in my house and putting up the Christmas decorations and the smell of tinsel …
Adele is pretty perfect, to me. anything she sings is perfect, but i think i`d have to be in the mood to genuinely appreciate her voice – because sometimes she is too raw for my fragile emotions, haha!
The Killers, Oasis, The Beatles … i couldn`t possibly pick one songs from all the artists out there!
i don’t think there is one perfect song; it would definitely depend on the season and the mood i was in …

the perfect sign of affection:
holding hands in public, probably. the old-fashioned-ness in me thinks that’s such a taboo as people will see and know that you are a couple! aww J

the perfect afternoon:
ooh … sun-bathing in Sefton Park in Liverpool while reading a good book (with good company!) then strolling to The Neighbourhood CafĂ© for some dinner then to the Penny Lane Wine Bar to finish the night!

the perfect vacation:
there is no one perfect holiday. at all. it would simply depend on what i wanted to do.
for example, if i needed to just relax, i would either go to Turkey (for a short stay) or to the Caribbean and shut myself away in the many all-inclusive accommodations that are on offer for a longer stint.
i could travel every month for a long weekend to a city for a `city-break` holiday and be perfectly happy walking non-stop for the entire time just to see everything! (in fact, that may be something to aim for one year, hmm …)
for a beach holiday, i`d say that Greece or Turkey would be completely perfect! not only is the sea warm and turquoise and the beaches white and sandy, but there is always something to do during the day if the beach gets boring – day trips+engaging in the local culture, for example.

the perfect invention:
  • the internet!
  • BlackBerry!
  • iPod!
  • books!
  • make-up! ... ahh … i couldn`t choose! i rely far too much on things!


the perfect type of wedding:
as little a thought as i have given this over the years, ironically, about a year or so before me and Him split, we did talk about our perfect wedding. since i`m not too fussy about a wedding, and since i`m not a fussy kind of person in general, i would opt for something simple but chic.
my dress would be a maxi dress, as opposed to a fitted wedding gown. i love maxi dresses, and i love loose-fitting clothing, so i would want to feel pretty+lovely on my wedding day, but not uncomfortable. 
i would opt for flat sparkly sandals; heels wouldn’t even come in to the equation. no point. i cant walk in heels. 
my hair would be loose with big soft wavy curls, all random and tousseled, with a pretty hair clip at one side, or a thin sparkly hair band … 
my make-up would be totally natural, with thick, long, curled, black eyelashes and pretty pink glossed lips with just a hint of a tan - `a healthy glow`, as my Mum calls it! in fact, i think going away for a couple of weeks beforehand would suit me just fine so i would be a lovely shade (not tanned, i might add, because i don’t tan, haha!) and probably feel much more confident wearing white, haha! 
i would wear jewellery: depending on the shape of my wedding dress, maybe a long, thin sparkly necklace to elongate and slim my body; if i was thin enough – or could find a bangle big enough – a sparkly bangle to shove riiight up my arm, because i think it would look so bo-ho+chic, which is, ultimately, the look i would be going for; and my engagement ring, and then wedding band.
speaking of my engagement ring, i would love a white gold band, a sapphire stone in the middle, and some sparkly diamonds. my wedding band would literally be a simple, thin white gold band. it doesn’t even have to be expensive, it just can`t turn my finger green, haha!

the perfect album:
Adele – 21. 
could listen to it on repeat when it first came out, but since The Break-Up i literally can`t because the lyrics are so heart-felt + sum up exactly how i feel … you`d think that this would be healing for me, but it`s not.

the perfect accent:
i love Spanish+Italian accents … mmm J

the perfect date:
oh, god – i don’t want to answer this thinking of either Him or anybody else ... but in the interest of trying to make myself happy, i will answer ... thinking of a friend.
drinks would be a loely start. meet in a wine bar. then move on for dinner somewhere casual – Italian is usually a winner. and the maybe a cocktail or two afterwards somewhere quiet … a hotel bar, or a cocktail bar. it would depend how the date was going …

the perfect weather:
rain, rain, rain, rain, rain, rain, rain, rain J love the rain!

the perfect party:
any where there`s alcohol ;-)

the perfect sport:
football. total perv-fest, haha!

the perfect thing to say:
“i love you”

the perfect day of the week:
Saturday. because it`s the day the week leads up to with excitement J

Tuesday, 19 July 2011

10 random questions

what is your shoe size?
UK, 6. Europe, 39

where do you work?
unemployed. just finished university, though, so I am looking ;)

your favourite blog?
there`s a few I regularly go back to. What Katie Wore, Kickette, Mr PapparazziBonjour Gazel is a recent favourite. Blair on a Budget is a good read. I Heart Vintage x is a cute little blog with tips on how to thrift.

do you have any pets?
two kittens, Alfie+Ginger :)

how many siblings do you have?
none. I am a single child. love it!

if you could live anywhere, where would it be?
London. or Barcelona.

what were you doing before this?
watching BBC News

your favourite food?
hmm … hard one, this. chicken is versatile – so chicken fajitas, chicken burritos, chicken caesar salad .. you get the gist!

do you have a middle name?
Jane

favourite websites?
Twitter. Tumblr. Blogger. Net-a-Porter.com. Topshop.com. 

Dainty Doll: a wish-list

i do enjoy applying make-up for special occasions, but during the day i tend not to wear a lot.
i wear lashings of mascara and i slather my lips with vaseline and my skin is well-moisturised, but until i have to `put my face on` (haha! i love that expression!) i don`t want to look at foundation!
i have pale skin - i also have freckles, and i never really want to `white` them out - so finding a foundation that doesn`t look like fake tan is hard to find, actually. and as i quite like my freckles, the only time i feel as though my make-up works for me is on a summer holiday, believe it or not! mainly because my freckles are more dominant, my cheeks are pinker, so all i really have to apply is bronzer for a `healthy glow`. (all this really makes me wonder whether England is the best place for me to live, hehe! ;) it`s a sign to move to Spain, ahh!)
i am really looking forward to seeing how good this make-up is on actual pale skin ...
if only i had the money!
i have always been a fan of Nicola Roberts - even when Girls Aloud first started and Nadine+Cheryl were the popular members. i think Nicola`s ginger hair is beautiful and her pale skin is flattering. i`m so glad that she has recently decided to embrace her natural beauty, and i`m even happier that she has made a pro-active decision to promote - and put her name to - a make-up range specifically for pale-skinned girls.
because i am pale-skinned, and i do find it difficult to wear make-up without my face looking a lot darker than the rest of my body.
this is the product that i will most likely buy first:
Dainty Doll Concealer Hot Pour Abracadabra 

the concealer (^) is one of those products that every girl needs! i think i would probably get the most use out of this product because i don`t use foundation everyday, but i do tend to smoother concealer over my blemishes over my moisturiser - and just face the day au natural! 
Dainty Doll Loose Mineral Power Foundation - Now That I`ve Found You
the powder foundation (^) would be an interesting buy ... i prefer liquid foundations, personally. powder makes my face feel dry+look patchy. hmm ...
Dainty Doll Wonderbalm - Working Girl
this really does look amazing! (^) i love that you can wear it with or without make-up - which is handy as it is pricy! i would probably use this and the concealer the most - especially during the day - and team it with the foundation for an evening look.
Harrods also stock Dainty Doll:
and i think it would be lovely to buy the products from such a department store. 

i, however, will be buying it from Boots and collecting my points ;) haha!
perhaps when i have a job i will be able to afford a couple of the products :)
i know it will definitely make me happy to know i have the pale-specific make-up products, and it might cheer me up a wee bit :)
xx


Monday, 18 July 2011

4 things ...

4 ... TV shows I watch:
  • Eastenders
  • The Kennedys
  • Top Gear
  • Alan Carr: Chatty Man

4 ... thingss i`ve done today:
  • been to Manchester and back
  • bought a birthday card+present
  • watched Friends
  • eaten white chocolate-chip cookies J

4 ... things i can't wait for:
  • to finally get a job!
  • Graduating in a few days
  • to meet Lindsey Kelk at the Marie Claire book tour in the Malmaison in Liverpool
  • this summer to be well+truly over!!!!! ad times L

4 ... things i wish for:
  • to have a job+earn monies!
  • for things to get easier …
  • to expand my social life
  • to be genuinely content J

4 ... things i hate:
  • not being with the man who I am in love with L
  • rude/ignorant/lazy/racist people
  • vegetables
  • when my hair goes all puffy+frizzy after i`ve spent ages sorting it!