some days are so much harder than the rest.
how do you go from being with someone all day every day to ... not being with them, not seeing them?
it`s supposed to get easier, but it`s just getting worse.
i`ve been trying my hardest to distract myself, to keep myself busy, throwing myself into other tasks ...
- but i just miss Him.
i can`t help it.
i really wish i didn`t feel like this.
because as soon as i feel upset about missing Him, i get angry - because He broke Us up, and He knew everything would be ruined and that nothing could go back to the way it was ... He knew all that yet still did it.
so why should i be bothered when He clearly isn`t?!
everything that we`ve ever said to each other ... everything sounds like a joke, like childish whisperings - when it wasn`t to me. i wanted everything with Him; i wanted to build a life together and start a family together ...
now it`s me who has to change their life around and make other plans - make plans that i am not thrilled about but am forced to make because of Him an His decision that has turned my perfectly content world upside down and made this Summer the worst of my life.
He is not going to find anyone better than me; He`s never going to have a relationship as perfect as our was - and that`s the reason we`re not together anymore! how ironic that he`s gone looking for something when he already had it ...
... and as soon as i`m done being angry with Him, i feel guilty about getting angry with Him.
it`s not His fault He has these feelings and needed to be by himself and find out things for himself ...
i wouldn`t want to force Him to stay with me and have constant niggling doubts about Us - because then i`d feel dreadful, an it wouldn`t be a relationship.
i`m sure once i`ve figured out how to make myself happy every day and not cry myself to sleep - or worse, numb my pain by not sleeping and watching DVDs til stupid hours in the morning - i`ll be able to gather my emotions more coherently and be logical about everything ... but right now, it`s difficult.
and i`m not sure what`s going to make me happy today.
but something has to.
i have to make myself happy.
no one else is going to; i wouldn`t expect anyone else to, either.
going through all this shit right now feels like the end of the world - like, i would actually rather not be here sometimes - but i know - somewhere at the back of my brain my logic is still there, and it`s going to start shouting pretty loudly soon - that this will be the best experience i`ll ever have: because it`s allowing me to find out who i am as a twenty-three year old young woman, and what makes me happy for me, and what i don`t like / don`t want ...
i want to be able to forgive Him and be His friend again, but i can`t when i am feeling so raw.
i can`t let go of the pain He`s caused me so easily, so soon.
but what was the point of 5 years together ...???
this all happened for a reason.
i just have to find out what that reason was ...