the cycle of torment in a relationship break-up

grief
some days are so much harder than the rest.
how do you go from being with someone all day every day to ... not being with them, not seeing them?
it`s supposed to get easier, but it`s just getting worse.
i`ve been trying my hardest to distract myself, to keep myself busy, throwing myself into other tasks ...
- but i just miss Him.
i can`t help it.

anger
i really wish i didn`t feel like this.
because as soon as i feel upset about missing Him, i get angry - because He broke Us up, and He knew everything would be ruined and that nothing could go back to the way it was ... He knew all that yet still did it.
so why should i be bothered when He clearly isn`t?!
everything that we`ve ever said to each other ... everything sounds like a joke, like childish whisperings - when it wasn`t to me. i wanted everything with Him; i wanted to build a life together and start a family together ...
now it`s me who has to change their life around and make other plans - make plans that i am not thrilled about but am forced to make because of Him an His decision that has turned my perfectly content world upside down and made this Summer the worst of my life.
He is not going to find anyone better than me; He`s never going to have a relationship as perfect as our was - and that`s the reason we`re not together anymore! how ironic that he`s gone looking for something when he already had it ...

guilt
... and as soon as i`m done being angry with Him, i feel guilty about getting angry with Him.
it`s not His fault He has these feelings and needed to be by himself and find out things for himself ...
i wouldn`t want to force Him to stay with me and have constant niggling doubts about Us - because then i`d feel dreadful, an it wouldn`t be a relationship.

logic
i`m sure once i`ve figured out how to make myself happy every day and not cry myself to sleep - or worse, numb my pain by not sleeping and watching DVDs til stupid hours in the morning - i`ll be able to gather my emotions more coherently and be logical about everything ... but right now, it`s difficult.

and i`m not sure what`s going to make me happy today.
but something has to.
i have to make myself happy.
no one else is going to; i wouldn`t expect anyone else to, either.
going through all this shit right now feels like the end of the world - like, i would actually rather not be here sometimes - but i know - somewhere at the back of my brain my logic is still there, and it`s going to start shouting pretty loudly soon - that this will be the best experience i`ll ever have: because it`s allowing me to find out who i am as a twenty-three year old young woman, and what makes me happy for me, and what i don`t like / don`t want ...

positivity
i want to be able to forgive Him and be His friend again, but i can`t when i am feeling so raw.
i can`t let go of the pain He`s caused me so easily, so soon.
but what was the point of 5 years together ...???
this all happened for a reason.
i just have to find out what that reason was ...
xx

perfection

the perfect outfit:

i would probably opt for a knee-length/mid-length dress (something to cover my knees – i think they`re horrible, especially when i only see them when i`m looking down at them, but i don`t suppose they`re horrid. in the Winter i`d probably wearing a dress that was a few inches above the knee so long as i was wearing tights. but i`m thinking this dress would be worn in the Spring/Autumn.) with a really pretty pattern on, or a pretty black colour that it separated at the waist with a thin, tan belt. 

i`m not good at wearing heels for long periods of time, but i always think heels make an outfit, and make me feel pretty, so i would wear tan heeled-sandals for a bit, then swap to tan flat-sandals later on. 

i`m not sure where this outfit would be worn; i suppose it could be worn anywhere. i`m quite a relaxed dresser, so i could make this work whether it was a casual or special occasion J 

and it`s a toss-up on the bag-front: clutch, or chained handbag? hmm … chain is classic, but clutches would work if it was an nice occasion. i suppose it would dpend on where i was going! pub: chain. party: clutch. simples J

the perfect meal:

hmm … this is a difficult one because i have such a love/hate relationship with food. i love eating it – any of it! – but I hate how i feel afterwards … that horrible bloated sickly feeling L  i suppose my favourite food would be Mexican: it`s easy to make, fun to eat, and great to share! and you can eat with your fingers and no one thinks you`re incapable of using a knife + fork!

i like to eat Italina food when i go to restaurants (even though it`s been forever since i`ve been on a date L). i find, though, that i eat best in restaurants if I have a carby starter, a salad main, and any dessert – and lots + lots of wine, hehe!!! if i have a carby main i get sooo full up and can`t finish my meal + feel rubbish afterwards. my way equals me being nicely full J

one of my favourite restaurants is Kitchen Stories in Madrid. the chicken ceasar salad was amazing! and the wine was gorgeous! “we do not do large glasses of wine, senorita! this is not England!” haha!

a favourite all-time restaurant of mine is Elude in Liverpool. the food was lovely – i went three years ago, so i`m a little hazy on what it was that i ate, but i remember liking it! – but, more importantly, the restaurant itself was just … amazing. it was empty – which i loved. seriously. i hate crammed places, and it felt like it was open just for us J which is a lovely feeling J

i also really, really, like BarBurrito is Liverpool. simple Mexican food that i can also just take-away + save until a later time, if i wanted to. which i rarely do. because i do not want to wait for Mexican food. obvz.

the perfect hangover cure:

it depends how bad the hangover is. if i was paralytic the night before, chance are i`m not likely to be doing much until the next day. but just a mild headache and the alcohol + sugar still in my system and i`m actually up early + ready to do a hell o a lot more than i am any other day! so … anything that i`ve been putting off, i`d do that day, ha!

the perfect road trip:

hmm … when i think of `road trips`, i automatically think of hiring a Cadillac and driving all around and across America. i assume most people do? major problem: i can`t drive. hypothetically, i would drive a car across America – but probably, for the main part, in one of those huge fancy caravans! it would save money on hotels and motels (although by doing this i realise that i would be missing out on any Psycho-esque motels along the way, but perhaps this would be a good thing!) but i would be able to stock up on food and drink supplies by visiting all the random (and i`m guessing cheap) supermarkets+corner shops. i know that i would be able to see a lot more of the `real` America this way, too. which  would be pretty cool. images of glossy+photo-shopped America and The American Dream are everywhere – and i`d quite like to see the opposite of that.

another amazing road trip that i would love to take one Summer would be across Europe. i cannot express how complete my life would be if i did this. i would use those hop-on/hop-off public transport system that seems to be so accessible to the modern Europe except England! i do believe that it would be entirely possible and extremely easy to make my way around Europe and see pretty much everything that i desire: London, Paris, South of France, Madrid, Barcelona, Valencia, Berlin, Amsterdam, Rotterdam, Rome, Venice, Milan, Turin, Tuscany, Athens, Istanbul …

the perfect facial feature:

eyelashes. i always feel i`m complete once i`ve applied mascara – especially lashings of it! i`m not very good at sticking on false eyelashes and sweeping on liquid eyeliner but i`ll have a go despite the messy+shaking outcome of it all!

the perfect drink:

VLS. Absolut vodka. fresh soda water. a fat wedge of lime, and a limey rim - perfection.

the perfect song:

Breakfast At Tiffany`s is one of those songs that i remember hearing on the radio when i was, like, seven, and remembering the specific but indescribable feeling – and i still get it now whenever i listen to it.

Love Shack is a total feel-good song that puts a smile on my face and reminds me of such an amazing care-free Summer when I was seventeen.

Smoke On The Water will always be the first song that i can recall from my childhood as it was a regular on the vinyl of a Saturday night!

Wannabe is a single that really sticks out for my seven year-old self because the Spice Girls are the girl band who I grew up to.

(Simply Having) A Wonderful Christmas Time by Paul McCartney is definitely my favourite Christmas song! i love them all, pretty much, but the music gives me those `feelings` and instantly transports me back to my childhood and being four in my house and putting up the Christmas decorations and the smell of tinsel …

Adele is pretty perfect, to me. anything she sings is perfect, but i think i`d have to be in the mood to genuinely appreciate her voice – because sometimes she is too raw for my fragile emotions, haha!

The Killers, Oasis, The Beatles … i couldn`t possibly pick one songs from all the artists out there!

i don’t think there is one perfect song; it would definitely depend on the season and the mood i was in …

the perfect sign of affection:

holding hands in public, probably. the old-fashioned-ness in me thinks that’s such a taboo as people will see and know that you are a couple! aww J

the perfect afternoon:

ooh … sun-bathing in Sefton Park in Liverpool while reading a good book (with good company!) then strolling to The Neighbourhood Café for some dinner then to the Penny Lane Wine Bar to finish the night!

the perfect vacation:

there is no one perfect holiday. at all. it would simply depend on what i wanted to do.

for example, if i needed to just relax, i would either go to Turkey (for a short stay) or to the Caribbean and shut myself away in the many all-inclusive accommodations that are on offer for a longer stint.

i could travel every month for a long weekend to a city for a `city-break` holiday and be perfectly happy walking non-stop for the entire time just to see everything! (in fact, that may be something to aim for one year, hmm …)

for a beach holiday, i`d say that Greece or Turkey would be completely perfect! not only is the sea warm and turquoise and the beaches white and sandy, but there is always something to do during the day if the beach gets boring – day trips+engaging in the local culture, for example.

the perfect invention:

• the internet!
• BlackBerry!
• iPod!
• books!
• make-up! ... ahh … i couldn`t choose! i rely far too much on things!

the perfect type of wedding:

as little a thought as i have given this over the years, ironically, about a year or so before me and Him split, we did talk about our perfect wedding. since i`m not too fussy about a wedding, and since i`m not a fussy kind of person in general, i would opt for something simple but chic.

my dress would be a maxi dress, as opposed to a fitted wedding gown. i love maxi dresses, and i love loose-fitting clothing, so i would want to feel pretty+lovely on my wedding day, but not uncomfortable. 

i would opt for flat sparkly sandals; heels wouldn’t even come in to the equation. no point. i cant walk in heels. 

my hair would be loose with big soft wavy curls, all random and tousseled, with a pretty hair clip at one side, or a thin sparkly hair band … 

my make-up would be totally natural, with thick, long, curled, black eyelashes and pretty pink glossed lips with just a hint of a tan - `a healthy glow`, as my Mum calls it! in fact, i think going away for a couple of weeks beforehand would suit me just fine so i would be a lovely shade (not tanned, i might add, because i don’t tan, haha!) and probably feel much more confident wearing white, haha! 

i would wear jewellery: depending on the shape of my wedding dress, maybe a long, thin sparkly necklace to elongate and slim my body; if i was thin enough – or could find a bangle big enough – a sparkly bangle to shove riiight up my arm, because i think it would look so bo-ho+chic, which is, ultimately, the look i would be going for; and my engagement ring, and then wedding band.

speaking of my engagement ring, i would love a white gold band, a sapphire stone in the middle, and some sparkly diamonds. my wedding band would literally be a simple, thin white gold band. it doesn’t even have to be expensive, it just can`t turn my finger green, haha!

the perfect album:

Adele – 21. 

could listen to it on repeat when it first came out, but since The Break-Up i literally can`t because the lyrics are so heart-felt + sum up exactly how i feel … you`d think that this would be healing for me, but it`s not.

the perfect accent:

i love Spanish+Italian accents … mmm J

the perfect date:

oh, god – i don’t want to answer this thinking of either Him or anybody else ... but in the interest of trying to make myself happy, i will answer ... thinking of a friend.

drinks would be a loely start. meet in a wine bar. then move on for dinner somewhere casual – Italian is usually a winner. and the maybe a cocktail or two afterwards somewhere quiet … a hotel bar, or a cocktail bar. it would depend how the date was going …

the perfect weather:

rain, rain, rain, rain, rain, rain, rain, rain J love the rain!

the perfect party:

any where there`s alcohol ;-)

the perfect sport:

football. total perv-fest, haha!

the perfect thing to say:

“i love you”

the perfect day of the week:

Saturday. because it`s the day the week leads up to with excitement J

10 random questions

what is your shoe size?

UK, 6. Europe, 39

where do you work?

unemployed. just finished university, though, so I am looking ;)

your favourite blog?

there`s a few I regularly go back to. What Katie Wore, Kickette, Mr Papparazzi … Bonjour Gazel is a recent favourite. Blair on a Budget is a good read. I Heart Vintage x is a cute little blog with tips on how to thrift.

do you have any pets?

two kittens, Alfie+Ginger :)

how many siblings do you have?

none. I am a single child. love it!

if you could live anywhere, where would it be?

London. or Barcelona.

what were you doing before this?

watching BBC News

your favourite food?

hmm … hard one, this. chicken is versatile – so chicken fajitas, chicken burritos, chicken caesar salad .. you get the gist!

do you have a middle name?

Jane

favourite websites?

Twitter. Tumblr. Blogger. Net-a-Porter.com. Topshop.com. 

Dainty Doll: a wish-list

i do enjoy applying make-up for special occasions, but during the day i tend not to wear a lot.
i wear lashings of mascara and i slather my lips with vaseline and my skin is well-moisturised, but until i have to `put my face on` (haha! i love that expression!) i don`t want to look at foundation!
i have pale skin - i also have freckles, and i never really want to `white` them out - so finding a foundation that doesn`t look like fake tan is hard to find, actually. and as i quite like my freckles, the only time i feel as though my make-up works for me is on a summer holiday, believe it or not! mainly because my freckles are more dominant, my cheeks are pinker, so all i really have to apply is bronzer for a `healthy glow`. (all this really makes me wonder whether England is the best place for me to live, hehe! ;) it`s a sign to move to Spain, ahh!)
i am really looking forward to seeing how good this make-up is on actual pale skin ...
if only i had the money!

i have always been a fan of Nicola Roberts - even when Girls Aloud first started and Nadine+Cheryl were the popular members. i think Nicola`s ginger hair is beautiful and her pale skin is flattering. i`m so glad that she has recently decided to embrace her natural beauty, and i`m even happier that she has made a pro-active decision to promote - and put her name to - a make-up range specifically for pale-skinned girls.

because i am pale-skinned, and i do find it difficult to wear make-up without my face looking a lot darker than the rest of my body.

this is the product that i will most likely buy first:

Dainty Doll Concealer Hot Pour Abracadabra 

the concealer (^) is one of those products that every girl needs! i think i would probably get the most use out of this product because i don`t use foundation everyday, but i do tend to smoother concealer over my blemishes over my moisturiser - and just face the day au natural! 

Dainty Doll Loose Mineral Power Foundation - Now That I`ve Found You

the powder foundation (^) would be an interesting buy ... i prefer liquid foundations, personally. powder makes my face feel dry+look patchy. hmm ...

Dainty Doll Wonderbalm - Working Girl

this really does look amazing! (^) i love that you can wear it with or without make-up - which is handy as it is pricy! i would probably use this and the concealer the most - especially during the day - and team it with the foundation for an evening look.

Harrods also stock Dainty Doll:

and i think it would be lovely to buy the products from such a department store. 

i, however, will be buying it from Boots and collecting my points ;) haha!

perhaps when i have a job i will be able to afford a couple of the products :)

i know it will definitely make me happy to know i have the pale-specific make-up products, and it might cheer me up a wee bit :)

xx

4 things ...

4 ... TV shows I watch:

• Eastenders
• The Kennedys
• Top Gear
• Alan Carr: Chatty Man

4 ... thingss i`ve done today:

• been to Manchester and back
• bought a birthday card+present
• watched Friends
• eaten white chocolate-chip cookies J

4 ... things i can't wait for:

• to finally get a job!
• Graduating in a few days
• to meet Lindsey Kelk at the Marie Claire book tour in the Malmaison in Liverpool
• this summer to be well+truly over!!!!! ad times L

4 ... things i wish for:

• to have a job+earn monies!
• for things to get easier …
• to expand my social life
• to be genuinely content J

4 ... things i hate:

• not being with the man who I am in love with L
• rude/ignorant/lazy/racist people
• vegetables
• when my hair goes all puffy+frizzy after i`ve spent ages sorting it!

a rainy weekend ...

no word of a lie: Friday, Saturday, Sunday and today (Monday) has just lashed down with rain!
it`s July!!!
bloody English summertime ...
anyway, i didn`t mind the rain at all - especially yesterday. firstly, i love the rain :) secondly, i hate Sundays - so rain on a Sunday is perfect!

a peek of the view of all the rain from my bedroom window

me trying to be really arty, haha!

love this! how the back yard looks from the kitchen window! looks good in the rain ;)

the rainy weather gave me a chance to break out a cute outfit, though:

blue dress from H&M; necklace from Accessorize (it`s a magnifying glass!)

how cute are these wellies?! wish i could afford Hunter :(

all the romance of the rain kinda gave me the sad feelings ...

you see, me and Him always had this really specific idea that "when we were older ..." (and we had a marriage and a house and children and a car ...) we would get up really early on a Sunday morning, gather our family (dog/s included!) and head to the countryside (North Wales or The Lake District) and spend the day listening to the rain thud gently on the car on the drive, eat home-made foil-wrapped sandwiches and then go for such a long, romantic stroll with our thick, water-proof jackets and our cute wellies ...

and now it`s so hard trying to burst that bubble 

or picturing doing it alone ... without the children, but possibly the dog/s.

... and definitely waaay too hard picturing it with another man :( i. just. cannot. do. THAT.

le sigh

but none-the-less, i still adore the rain - so i went for a walk.

i got bloody drenched!!!

as romantic as the rain is for me, the practicalities aren`t.

but, really, if you and your loved one were drenched and you headed home, it`d be so lovely changing out of the sopping wet clothes and running a hot bubble bath and just relaxing before changing into super-dry p.j.`s and snuggling up on the couch and watching Top Gear (because it`s Sunday ...!) whispering all the plans you two have for the future ... 

:(

maybe rainy days can now be filled with walks by myself and thinking of all the good things i have to look forward to? so far: ... applying for jobs. 

but, in its own way, applying for jobs is exciting. it`s imagining what could be, and trying to make it happen. even if it`s not happening right now ... i mean, it`s going to happen. it`s just going to take time.

and until then, i have this blog :)

xx

first night out

well, last night was the first time i have been out as a "single", technically ... probably ...

i`m still not totally sure of the status-title yet. but it`s more single than not. so ...

Legally Blonde: The Musical was so much fun! the theatre was half-empty (Friday night!?!?) so we moved seats and sat a hell of a lot closer than our original ones - which wasn`t difficult, considering we had a seat right up on the roof! the songs were catchy - "is he gay or European!?" "beeeeeeend and snap!" - the dancing was upbeat, and the outfits were pink and sparkly!!!

all good! :)

i had a £4 glass (which came in one of those small bottles) of wine in a plastic cup:

the Magners is not mine! the wine - looking pathetic! - is ... :)

and anyone who either knows me or is a wine-snob like myself can appreciate how totally rank it tastes drinking from a cup instead of a wine glass! i would have been preferred it if the theatre bar had invested in plastic wine glasses - you can but them from pound-shops, for heaven`s sake!!!

whatevz. i bought 2 rounds :)

then we went to an old man`s pub. my idea. i go to them with my family. i like them! it was `an experience` for my friends ... haha!

me doing the `bend+snap!` haha!!!

then we went t a club for a couple of drinks. purple WKDs! i felt 16 again! new flavour is pretty tasteless but is a fun colour :) but those cheap bottle make my throat dry and sore :(

it was sooo nice being out - i can`t remember the last time i was in town! and dancing! - and it felt good having a dance with my girl friends. no boys. no texting boys. no talking to boys. just dancing! and having a drink! and a chat about crap!

i felt 16 but i don`t look it, haha! next time: i will `dress-up`!!!

definitely a good night to help take my mind of my deteriorating relationship.  

Legally Blonde

super-excited to watch Legally Blonde: The Musical at the Liverpool Empire tonight!

OOH!!!

rejection, upon rejection, upon break-up ...

i got two rejection letters today.
one of the jobs i really had my heart set-on, even though i knew it was a long-shot. i suppose i was always gearing myself up for a fall, but it still hurt.
the other was just a generic job i`ve applied loads for, but it felt worse seeing it in writing: what`s worse; just not hearing anything back, or a rejection letter ...?
hmm ...
anyway, i`ve felt pretty crappy all day. kinda just wanted to hide under the duvet all day (despite it being lovely + sunny outside) and pretend my life is not happening. i wanted to just call Him and hope that he`d come round straight after work and give me such a tight squeeze ... but it`s not like that anymore, is it? and it never will be. ever again. everything`s ruined. and facing all sorts of future-rejection is going to be so crap without his support.
fuck, i just miss him.

on a positive note, i`m getting ready to go see Harry Potter at midnight - first showing in Liverpool at FACT. so, as much as i`d like to say i`m looking forward to it ... i`m not. because it`s the final one. the end of the story. the end of an era. i`m going to be a big fat mess come 3am!!!
oh, fucking hell.

what i`ve done with my day ...

... not much, really.
i slept for the best part of it - because getting up was pretty difficult. i didn`t have much to do, either.
well, that`s a lie, actually. i did have stuff to do - but i don`t really have to do it until tomorrow ... so i`m obviously leaving it until tomorrow when i`ll be rushing around and wishing i had done it all today.
i watched a lot of this:

and ate this:

drank a whole carton of this (which made me feel blurgh!) :

... and i`ll probably venture out down the road to buy a bottle of this:

because Diet Coke never fails to cheer me up :)

i`ll be getting a lovely shower later on too using this:

because it is the loveliest shower gel ever!!! and smells amazing!!!

... hopefully tomorrow will be much better - mainly because i know i`ll have to get up + do something productive.

... i`ll definitely have to pick an outfit out tonight, too, because i`m useless at deciding that morning. please let it be sunny!

xx

Victoria Sandwich Cake with Toblerone + Cinder Toffee

i made this cake last May - and doesn`t it look yummy?!?! :)

it`s just the recipe for a Victoria Sandwich Cake - but my cake tins were small, so i layered them into 4 portions instead of the usual 2. i think it looks better this way :) 

i used really thick double cream in between each layer and slathered it on thick on top so the Toblerone and Cinder Toffee would sit pretty :)

>> http://www.bbc.co.uk/food/recipes/definitivevictoriasa_72222

is pink lip gloss the anti-depressant substitute...?

honestly.

the things i`m going to have to do to cheer myself up from now on.

like, getting dressed-up to go food-shopping!

well ... not dressed-up like i would as if i was going for a lovely glass of Chablis - but enough to make me feel pretty. i put pink lip gloss on to walk up + down the street!!! and lashings of mascara which was pointless because i wore Wayfarers!

*le sigh*

i`m going back to lounging in scruffs + watching Friends :)

Harry Potter

"you`re a wizard, Harry!"

>Hagrid

 

"it is not our abilities that show what we truly out. it is our choices" 

>Dumbledore

"Expelliarmus!"

>Harry

"numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it"

>Dumbledore

"don`t turn your back on me, Harry Potter! i want you to look at me when i kill you! i want to see the light leave your eyes! Avada Kedavara!"

>Voldemort

"age is foolish and forgetful when it underestimates youth"

>Dumbledore

"neither can live while the other survives"

>Harry