Saturday, 13 August 2011

the morning after the night before ...

this is the outfit i chose to wear last night:
funnily enough, i thought that the dress would be too revealing, haha! it`s knee length AND my shoulders are covered up ... how is it revealing, Amanda?!?!
anyway, i felt pretty in my outfit, and i had such a fun and well-needed night out! 
i rolled in at god-knows what time this morning wearing an Hawaiian floral thing round my neck clutching an empty can of Diet Coke from the obligatory trip to the chippy once we had come out of the bars, haha! 

more seriously, though, it was my first night out since breaking-up with Him … and a few things have been confirmed for me: i am a long way from being `over` this relationship; i am nowhere near ready to even flirt with any other men (i don`t want to, either); and i am petrified that my feelings are the total opposite of His.
basically, while it was nice that men were talking to me, i just didn`t want them to. i wanted to know that when i went home (in the very small hours of the morning!) that i would be tucked up in bed with Him, like normal … but it`s not true anymore. i came home to a cold, empty bed – and if i wasn’t as exhausted from my drunkness, i would have been bawling my eyes out!
i am sooo not ready to give up on hope that one day things might just work out between us again.
but what if all the time apart between us has confirmed his need to be single? what if he actually enjoys going out and being unattached?
my biggest worry is that he falls out of love with me; that he stops fancying me, and that he is indifferent towards me.
right now (or the last time we saw each other) i knew he fancied me, and i know that this whole relationship break-up is out of love rather than lack of … but what if the next time we see each other he is over me, completely?
the mere thought of never being with him again – and going out and always coming home to an empty bed – terrifies me. it`s only been three months since we`ve split up – but i don’t know how to even start realistically preparing life without him, and i`m worried that people will get fed-up of me being miserable soon. (not that i am. if anything i avoid the topic until i`m ready to talk about it. after all, it took us both nearly three months to tell our parents that we`d split up … five years in the same relationship – it`s pretty hard knowing how to act when it`s all over.)
i thought that i was starting to do well. it`s been 2 weeks since i`ve seen Him, and 9 days since i`ve had any communication with him (because he`s on holiday) – and it`s been the longest i`ve ever gone without speaking to him. i haven’t cried until now (since He`s been away, that is. i cry all the bloody time, haha!). but then again, i didn’t realise these feelings until now. i always knew that i still loved him and that i still fancied him and that i still carried hope for us, but that was me being positive – i now know that these are solid feelings that i am finding hard to push aside and plaster a smile on my face.
i needed that night out – but i`m not sure how ready i am to have these feelings cemented, realised … maybe when he gets back off holiday and we meet up i`ll feel differently … i don’t know. but right now, i`m scared by my feelings. but i`m even more scared by his.

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