Saturday, 13 August 2011

the morning after the night before ...

this is the outfit i chose to wear last night:
funnily enough, i thought that the dress would be too revealing, haha! it`s knee length AND my shoulders are covered up ... how is it revealing, Amanda?!?!
anyway, i felt pretty in my outfit, and i had such a fun and well-needed night out! 
i rolled in at god-knows what time this morning wearing an Hawaiian floral thing round my neck clutching an empty can of Diet Coke from the obligatory trip to the chippy once we had come out of the bars, haha! 

more seriously, though, it was my first night out since breaking-up with Him … and a few things have been confirmed for me: i am a long way from being `over` this relationship; i am nowhere near ready to even flirt with any other men (i don`t want to, either); and i am petrified that my feelings are the total opposite of His.
basically, while it was nice that men were talking to me, i just didn`t want them to. i wanted to know that when i went home (in the very small hours of the morning!) that i would be tucked up in bed with Him, like normal … but it`s not true anymore. i came home to a cold, empty bed – and if i wasn’t as exhausted from my drunkness, i would have been bawling my eyes out!
i am sooo not ready to give up on hope that one day things might just work out between us again.
but what if all the time apart between us has confirmed his need to be single? what if he actually enjoys going out and being unattached?
my biggest worry is that he falls out of love with me; that he stops fancying me, and that he is indifferent towards me.
right now (or the last time we saw each other) i knew he fancied me, and i know that this whole relationship break-up is out of love rather than lack of … but what if the next time we see each other he is over me, completely?
the mere thought of never being with him again – and going out and always coming home to an empty bed – terrifies me. it`s only been three months since we`ve split up – but i don’t know how to even start realistically preparing life without him, and i`m worried that people will get fed-up of me being miserable soon. (not that i am. if anything i avoid the topic until i`m ready to talk about it. after all, it took us both nearly three months to tell our parents that we`d split up … five years in the same relationship – it`s pretty hard knowing how to act when it`s all over.)
i thought that i was starting to do well. it`s been 2 weeks since i`ve seen Him, and 9 days since i`ve had any communication with him (because he`s on holiday) – and it`s been the longest i`ve ever gone without speaking to him. i haven’t cried until now (since He`s been away, that is. i cry all the bloody time, haha!). but then again, i didn’t realise these feelings until now. i always knew that i still loved him and that i still fancied him and that i still carried hope for us, but that was me being positive – i now know that these are solid feelings that i am finding hard to push aside and plaster a smile on my face.
i needed that night out – but i`m not sure how ready i am to have these feelings cemented, realised … maybe when he gets back off holiday and we meet up i`ll feel differently … i don’t know. but right now, i`m scared by my feelings. but i`m even more scared by his.

Thursday, 11 August 2011

pre-party pamper!!!

it`s been a while since i`ve update, but i haven`t completely given up `blogging` - i`m working on a project which will be added on once its complete ... so hopefully it`ll all turn out well J

meanwhile, i`ve been getting excited about seeing a couple of friends tomorrow!!! Jone is coming up from LDN (where she lives now, which is cool because London is such an amazing city, but is also kinda sucky because we don`t see each other nearly as often ...) and it should be a lovely catch-up over a few bottles of cheap wine, haha! J

in preparation for our night out, i`ve been choosing an outfit (sooo difficult in this crappy English `summertime` weather!) and painting my nails (again, really hard when i don`t know what i`m wearing!) and ... prepping my skin.

i`m not one for doing this usually (i wash my face, obvz!) but i don`t use scrubs because my skin is sooo sensitive. BUT i found this lemon-and-sugar video tutorial via this blog (which is fab, by the way!) and it WORKS so well even on my sensitive little face!!! yay Jright now, my face is UNBELIEVABLY smoooooth (if slathered in thick moisturiser) and i`m so looking forward to seeing how it`ll look in the morning! (hopefully i won`t have had some allergic reaction to lemon or sugar ... i eat both products, after all!)

i`ve also purchase this bubblegum lip-scrub on the recommendation from Karen via this blog J
so far, i`ve yet to see the results because i keep eating the DELICIOUS scrub off rather than let it work its magic ... but tonight, i scrubbed it well and truly, and my lips (smouthered in lip salve afterwards) feel SO SOFT!!! what`s not to love about preening oneself for a night out??? hehe! J

i`ve slathered my hair in some Aussie conditioning treatments, too. i`m used to doing this before bedtime now (it`s been part of my routine for about, oh ... a month - since my hairdresser kept bangin` on about how "dry and damaged" my hair was every time i went in!!! considering the amount of dye its had on it and the sheer useage of electrical appliances on it, i`d say it`s in top-notch condition, haha! but, anyway, i like the routine, and cheap coconut moisturising conditioner goes on my hair before bedtime now Jafterall, i have no one to snuggle up to that`ll moan about it, hehe!) but this is the first time i`ve left the 3 Minute Miracle deep treatment and the Leave-In Take The Heat treatment in overnight ... it won`t make much difference, it`s just that it`s the first time!

these are a few nail arts i`ve been trying to accomplish ... although i did just start practicing tonight - so i definitely need to work on it to perfect it, haha! but i`ve always loved painting my nails, and now the possibilities are endless because i can literally put whatever i want on my nails! ... i`ll have to have a think about what i actually want to put on my nails first, though ... haha!!!

(((apologies for the utterly uselessness of the quality of my BB camera - He has my actually pretty amazing camera on holiday with him ... i must be the best ex-GF there has ever been, ha!)))

can`t wait to let you know how my night out goes Jhoping to get at least ONE compliment when i`m out to make me feel better, haha!

g`night, lovelies xx